MIKI CHEN

2022

black bulletin board paper

9 x 12 in

痛苦緩慢席捲而來，就像你的觸手纏繞著我的脖子，讓我漸漸窒息，最終被你吞噬。

我在睡夢中掙扎，不安定和焦慮使我開始顫抖。

腦海裡又出現了你的身影，你緩緩地包圍緊抱著

我的身體。我逐漸不再顫抖，緊繃的身體像洩了氣的皮球般得到釋放，我開始哭泣。

原來，

你的纏繞不是想讓我窒息，

而是要讓我感到安定和被愛。

You are the reflection of both my fear and desire.

7 x 8.5 in

2023

black bulletin board paper

2023

black bulletin board paper

10 x 10 in

18”x 24”

2022

“The way that I dealt with anxiety or you know losing my mom was not holding that sadness in which I think was my instinctual response to letting it out. It was really helpful like actually talking to people about it.”

"Awkwafina is still someone that comes without all of the layers of anxiety. She is more confident than Nora. Nora does hide behind her still. I don't see how Nora exists in Awkwafina's world yet. I don't see how I could have done this without Awkwafina, which is weird."

9” x 12”

2023

I have been experiencing depression and panics attack for 12 years. One time, I had panic attack when I was having dinner in a restaurant with my husband. Apart from feeling sorry to my husband for ruining our dinner, I started my “life saving posture” (which I invented it from this incident). I laid down on the floor, closed my eyes, counted my breath, and waiting for the symptoms to pass. It makes me realize that working with my body is fundamental in my healing journey.

Later on through mindfulness, Yoga and Zen practice, I had awaken from my emotional pattern and befriend my body. I recognize that my trauma experiences had deeply affected my emotions and body, and how they interact with each other. I started to reconnect to my deepest self through mindfulness to accept my feelings, body sensation, thoughts and patterns, and fully embrace my wholeness in the present moment.

11” x 14”

2022

「我認為我的人生永遠像一張白紙，我在這張白紙上，找不到讓我融入社會\求生技能的資訊」我是一個記性、專注力極差的人，這是以前的我對自己對自己的寫照。我不喜歡重要時刻結束的感覺，因為我知道我很快就會忘記發生什麼事，我知道我比別人都要快失去這些記憶。我不喜歡因為無法控制自己腦袋而出錯的感覺，這不符合我對自己的想像及要求。

如果可以，我也希望像一般人一樣，能夠正確地把看到的，所想的，依序紀錄在我的人生歷練日記中。但我的紙永遠是白的，儘管我如何努力地寫入，這些雜亂無章的資訊總是很快消失。

我像是白活了一樣。

但如今，雖想起這感受還是會微微的感嘆，但我也知道，我可以就讓它留白，因為愛我的人會為我填空、因為人生重要的是練習寫入的過程，而不是回顧查找。

只要我認真寫，就夠了。

2022

cut paper collage and watercolor on paper

11 x 14in

我的憂鬱症是天生的，4、5歲就去看了醫生，開始吃藥。我有記憶以來，總是在焦慮、害怕，總能找到事情煩惱，很少快樂、很少笑容。記得9歲時，跟家人去溜冰，那天異常的美好，因為對我而言開心的回憶太少，太容易遺忘，當下甚至在心理下定決心要記住這一刻。很慶幸我記住了。

最嚴重的一次發病是在高一的其中一次段考。一直以來，我很在意成績，我認為只有分數能讓我存在於他人眼中，掩蓋所有的異常，包括憂鬱症、包括同性戀；我無法接受自己的性向，覺得自卑、羞恥，也從不肯正視自己的內心。在荷爾蒙失控、青春狂飆的16歲，無法再忍耐對一個女孩的喜歡，做了自殺式的告白，當然失敗了。萬念俱灰的我，把全部心思放在那一次段考中，但自國三開始，憂鬱症早已日漸嚴重，成績每況愈下。所以甫失戀、情緒滿溢、深陷低谷的我，無法記住任何英文單字，也看不進去課本的甚至一句話。考試前一夜，對自己失望透頂的我，認為我已經沒有活著的意義了，我什麼都做不到、也做不好，雖然34歲的現在也是。於是在大半夜，我逃跑了。偷騎了媽媽的摩托車，猶記得從出門前黑夜崩潰的低嗚，一直邊騎邊嚎哭到輪胎爆胎。在那三天裡，我有數不盡的淚水與哀傷，但我仍沒有勇氣自我了斷，只能一刀一刀的自殘，宣泄痛苦與對自己的憤怒。最後無處可逃、身心俱疲的我回家了，意識朦朧的看著跪在床邊流著淚幫我上藥的母親，我說不出一個字，望著天花板，對自己有太多的恨；自責、壓力、絕望、失望、憤怒，剩下唯一的念頭-只願一覺不醒。

我休學了，不知道是藥物還是自我保護，我把自己的感官關閉。之後的一年，我沒有太多的記憶，像是在黑洞中，就算努力的向外看，也只是一片漆黑，或是濃霧。我記得我傷害了我最愛的妹妹；我知道她很重視生日、每個人的生日，所以我努力的想著要存錢為她買點什麼，但黑洞拉著我，清醒的時間太少了，最後我什麼也沒做，我對自己非常的憤怒，但我把錢丟在她的身上，然後後悔莫及，多麼愚蠢。每每想起這件事情，我都無法控制的崩潰，我愛她與母親遠超過自己，但我傷害她們也是最多的。

在那一年間，父親心臟病發，救護車來家裡緊急送醫，之後父親在醫院待了多久我也不記得，因為我一次也沒去看過他、一聲問候也沒有；我在我的黑洞裡出不來。

現在我34歲，距離當初已約18年。我知道我有什麼東西留在了16歲，某些很重要的東西，但我不知道是什麼。我依然深受憂鬱症所苦，腦海中永遠都是「這麼簡單的事情為什麼自己做不到」。但我已在緩慢的接受它、面對它，努力放下對自己的憤怒與自責，努力的活下去。謝謝我的母親與妹妹，回想一路走來對她們的傷害與影響，現在的我，盡力去正面看待這一切。每個人都有自己生命的課題，我有我與生俱來的課題，她們也有，雖然是我造成的。

現在，對於生命，大多時候我滿懷著感恩，就連這樣的我，也有那麼多人愛著，我真的很幸運，尤其是遇到了願意接納我的一切的妻子。從深愛我的他們眼中，我看見了自己的價值，原來我還值得她們的愛。

11”x”14”

2021

我是雙面人，在別人面前， 我只想逗大家開心或配合別人令他們舒服 。而當我獨處時 ，我真的很憂鬱 ，憂鬱到我所有的想法都是負面而無力，不自在， 難道我就不能配合Mavis 而令她開心嗎？ —《亂寫》

2022

cut paper collage and watercolor on paper

11 x 14in

“When you see yourself in a mirror constantly, and you’re, like, wearing nothing, you can really just nitpick yourself to death, which is so unhealthy.”

“If someone were to come to me asking for advice about body dysmorphia and any sort of mental health, I would just say you have to treat yourself like your best friend.” “You would never tell your best friend the things that you say to yourself in your darkest times. You would never in a million years. I think that we have to talk to ourselves kindly and gently.

10*10

2022

“I felt awful about what I’d said, and when a few DM’s from a fellow Asian actress told me I’d become a blight on the Asian American community, I started feeling like I didn’t even deserve to live anymore. Looking back, it’s surreal that a few DMs convinced me to end my own life, but that’s what happened. Luckily, a friend found me and rushed me to the ER.”

“Even my tweets became a subject so touchy that most of my AsAm colleagues decided that was the time to avoid me or ice me out. I’ll admit it hurt a lot, but it also made me realize how important it is to reach our and care for people who are going through a hard time.”

9”x12”

2020

“Because my mother was so vehemently against my becoming an artist, I became emotionally unstable and suffered a nervous breakdown. It was around this time, or in my later teens, that I began to receive psychiatric treatment. By translating hallucinations and fear of hallucinations into paintings, I have been trying to cure my disease.”

9”x12”

2022

“If there is an afterlife, I will be a tree, stand for eternity, and have no sorrow and joy. Half in the soil, half in the wind, half in the shade, half in the sun, very silent and very proud, never rely on never looking.”

“如果有來生，要做一棵樹，站成永恆，沒有悲歡的姿勢。一半在土裡安詳，一半在風裡飛揚，一半灑落陰涼，一半沐浴陽光，非常沉默非常驕傲，從不依靠 從不尋找。